Trying Not To Lose Hope

Today's been a bit disappointing.

So there's this guy at the gym I go to who I've had my eye on since I started going there during the summer of 2008. I haven't really seen him daily since that time. I took like a 2-3 month break at the end of 2008/beginning of 2009 due to health issues then started going back. Then summer came and I really didn't go on a regular basis then because I was so busy, and then fall came along and I didn't get go much then either due to being busy with work and school and I didn't get to start going again until November. It hasn't been until recently that I started seeing this guy again.

So basically I've loved this guy from afar for awhile. I should also mention that one of the rare times I saw him during the summer I think he smiled at me, but I was dumb and quickly looked the other way. I was walking past one of the weight machines he was on and kind of glanced at him and I'm pretty sure he smiled at me when I looked his way.

Anyway, since I started seeing him again recently I was hoping I could some how get up the nerve to at least make eye contact and smile since I'm terrible at that kind of stuff, and then maybe eventually get the nerve to have some kind of conversation with him. I was even starting to convince myself that I was capable of doing all of this.

Until I saw him with a girl today, who I'm pretty sure is his girlfriend or whatever. They were kind of acting like a couple so I'm pretty sure they're together. It really shouldn't shock me since I tend to become interested in guys who are already taken, so why would it be any different with him?

I had told one of my friends about him a week or so ago so I texted her after I left the gym to give her the bad news. When I was telling her about him last week I started telling her how it's hard for me to deal with the whole never dating thing and how I pretty much have a low self esteem because of it. I don't think she really got just how depressed I can get over this. Anyway, so when I texted her today she told me I shouldn't jump to conclusions and that I should maybe use him as practice for talking to guys. I told her that it probably wasn't a good idea and that it would probably be best for me to try to pretend he doesn't exist.

She then started saying how I should maybe try online dating because how many people do I really come in contact with since I the only places I really spend a lot of time at is the library (where I work) and the gym. I should probably mention that she just got married in September and that she met her husband on Craig's List so she's obviously a supporter of online dating.

I have nothing against people who do online dating. If that's something they feel comfortable with then more power to them. For me, though, it's not something I really feel comfortable doing, at least now. I would really like to meet someone in person rather than online. I guess part of it is because I feel this need to prove to myself that I can meet someone in person. I feel that if I pursued online dating now then I would feel like I was settling or something. It's just something I can't bring myself to do. Maybe someday, but not at this point in my life.

I tried to explain this to my friend, but I don't think she really gets it. I guess this is why I don't talk about this stuff with my friends. None of them really get it and I wind up being frustrated. How could they understand? They've had previous relationships and one of them is married, one of them just celebrated her three year anniversary with her boyfriend, and the other, who I don't really talk to anymore, got engaged to her boyfriend in December. How could they possibly understand?

They don't know what it's like to feel constantly lonely. To be the odd one out. To have to pretend it doesn't bother you when your mom mentions how nice it would be if you had a significant other so there would be one more person at the table on Thanksgiving and Christmas. To feel like a loser when you tell your parents that your friend has just got engaged when you know they're wondering when you'll ever have a boyfriend or if you've had secret relationships they didn't know about or if you're a lesbian. They don't know what it's like to feel the need to apologize to your parents for apparently being a loser for never having dated anyone. To pray that no one at work asks you about your previous relationships or your first kiss and then either have to confess or make something up. They don't know what it's like to feel like a freak or wonder how much longer you have to feel like this before you completely break. To sometimes feel like you need to be scraped off the ground because of how depressed you feel over this. To try to just push all of these feelings down and try to go about your day even though there are times you want to break down and cry but you can't.

All of this frustrates me because over the years I've had to listen to their various relationship issues even though I didn't really have much to contribute or if I did want to say something I felt like I didn't have the right to due to my lack in experience. Because really, what do I know? I did my best to at least listen and try to say the right thing. I can't talk to them about this because there is no way they can understand all of these feelings. I have a feeling they would think I was overexaggerating or that I'm making much more out of this than I should be. Maybe I am, but the reality is that they really can't understand any of this so I'm stuck trying to deal with it on my own. You would think I would be used to this by now, but I'm not. All I really want is to someone who can just listen, offer support, and just know my feelings about all of this. But I guess that is what this blog is for.

Alright, time for bed. I've been waiting all day to collapse into my bed and just cry. I've fought back tears all day and while writing this and it's time to let them flow. I really don't have the energy to go back and re-read this so I apologize for any typos and if this doesn't make sense because I feel like I've rambled my way through this.